I want to talk about the trajectory of trying to make meaning in the context of my trauma situation. There were stages in my case so I’m going to try to explain the stages of meaning making in relation to the stages of the abuse.
Why try to make meaning?
I am aware that, for someone who has been in the way of someone else who wanted to assert control and dominance and to clear that way, there might be healthier ways of moving forward than looking at the ‘why’ of people doing harm. But I like the world of ideas. It's a largely solitary world. I find that engaging with other people on such things, ego often gets in the way, even on a one to one basis. I think that is in part why so many ideas, when published and read by others in a field, are unnecessarily complicated. Later you see them explained by a much better communicator who just wants to explain, where posturing is the biggest drawback and the ideas make sense. In some fields like theoretical physics and mathematics you probably really do need a special kind of mind.
I have only recently started therapy. It's not helping as yet and frankly I am not optimistic, but still there to to see. I think my brain has done a lot of processing of what happened on its own, and I think that this meaning-making here is probably part of that processing.
Stage 1: Age old reasons: greed, domination
At first, I tried to understand why what had happened happened and the answers just pointed to these awful reasons of greed and control which are common in the human experience. But by a family member? Yes, that happens too. Family members do go as far as to murder each other, especially for status or assets. But with so much strategy? With so much much obfuscation? Yes indeed.
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