A scourgy urge

I was impressed seeing (belatedly) last night  the response on Twitter to the Channel 5 programme: "Cyclists - scourge of the streets?"  I don't think I knew there was a Channel 5.  I imagine it is where they put reality television programmes, tabloid TV and that the "scourge of the streets" programme was there to set up a battleground, as if that were needed, between drivers and cyclists.  So many of us nowadays seem to go about our business recording one other surreptitiously on our phones or our dashcams.  Who needs Big Brother when the citizens will do it for you?  Cyclists at least record flagrantly on GoPro helmet-mounted devices.  A cyclist is not sitting in a chunk of metal waiting to nark you on their dashcam.  The cyclist's camera is an expensive plea to motorists for road space.  Not to digress further, somewhat against my will - because it was so late at night - I found myself agent for a poem which more or less wrote itself.  

One of the first tweets I saw with the #scourgeofthestreets hashtag was from Katy Moon, self-confessed gin-sodden strumpet, who is pretty, funny and foul-mouthed.  Detonators for spontaneous expletives in my own life include the council education department, primary school management, trite or no public consultation, forms of control, PMT and drivers who drive dangerously near me and my kids while we are on our bikes.  Originally, I wanted to end the poem with a reference to and in the spirit of Katy and her unabashed use of the language.  For open mic though, I realised that reading expletives aloud in cold blood did not come naturally.  I considered asking someone without this problem but around the same time, my ten-year-old wanted to know what I was writing.  "It's not child-friendly" I replied - patly, because it is my standard response for post-watershed TV.  "Has it got swears?"  he said gleefully and with unnerving instinct.  "No," I lied, digging a hole  - and proceeded to modify.  

The tweet I wanted to start with though was Bobi's whose username is Bobi Scourger Cykles and whose tag is "Human with #sarcoma (dismal prognosis) on a bike. Still prefers to arrive alive though".  Bobi's tweet was a video of him or her biking to hospital and seeing the company PedalMe transporting something huge on the back of this modern rickshaw.  Bobi's profile, tagline, tweet, and sense of humour generally were inspirational; cliché, I know, but there just is no other word for it.  

A couple of points that might not be immediately clear in the piece:

- PedalMe is a new app-based pedal-powered taxi and courier service in London, using specially adapted e-cargo bikes.

- Some people - like ccolquit's daughter who wanted a bike for her birthday - used the word "scourger" to refer to bikes.  Other people referred to themselves as scourgers.

If it seems to you there is disproportionate reference to street space given over to parking that is because, to anyone not in a car - a child, for instance - that use of the street space looks disproportionate.  Streets are not de facto for cars, as will be clear from any old photographs.  That is a choice we have made.  The same goes for the ironic references to scourgers riding at motorists.  If it is repeated it is perhaps an echo of how regularly motorists drive at me and my kids.  Usually, they are not paying attention, or have jumped a light.  Sometimes they just don't seem to give a shit.  It happens when we're on bikes or on foot on a zebra crossing.

Demonising cyclists is absurd, vicious and indicative of the intellect of those who do it.  Luckily, I am not in charge or they would be lobotomised directly.  Active travel in all its forms is practically a panacea for the current problems of pollution, traffic jams, accidents, road maintenance, human inactivity and a lack of greenery in our communities.

The title was inspired by Grum and the piece as a whole by The Scourge on Twitter.  Stay scourgy...

Bobi with cancer went scourging to hospital
Saw PedalMeApp scourgily moving a house
Alex Lieven called Bobi a hero
Call me a cyclist? Call me a louse.

"A scourger please?" said ccolquit's daughter
Ken Munn reminded us: hurtle and veer
In Wigan, with cycle lanes, scourging ain't easy;
Seen all the scourgers trying to text and to steer?

Dr Ed scourged his way to his practice
Then scourged to a friend's to return something lost;
Look at the scourgers, parked on the highway
A flipping disgrace, they don't give a toss.

Jimi Wall scourged the sh..ugar...out the East End
Spanko in Scotland scourged in the park
A boy on a balance bike scourged on the pavement
While someone was seen going scourging for larks.

Somebody scourgily drove at a motorist
Middle class Stephen scourged to the bank;
See that pollution? See all them traffic jams?
Know what it is - you've got scourgers to thank.

John Shanks for Scotland scourged up from Larbert
While iRocks scourged the bejuses in Wales
Awesome Jon scourged with kids in a trailer
If we speed right at 'em they'll soon turn tail.

Mike B's boy scourged his way to the school
The scourger-parking was clogging the roads;
Look at the potholes the scourgers have caused us
It's all of their weight, all of that load.

Eilidh Innes, scourge of the motorist,
Taking the whole road, passing too close;
Sing scourged the river path coaching his rowers
Green, cheap and healthy? Shut up with yer boasts.

Skully Ben's for the scourge in South London
Jeremy scourgily shopped High Street Ken
Seen all the pile-ups? The danger! The carnage!
Those scourgers are costing us: lycra clad men!

Hit and run scourgers. You killers. You cankers
Road use inequity? Liberal muck.
Alright, you've been warned - watch out for Katy,
She's going up Hammersmith scourging the...ducks.