Names

We call the abuser Pigface, for distancing. It used to be Fuckface but that was too angry, had too much energy in it. 

I can't use the name he was given at birth.  It revolts me, turns my stomach, literally sickens me.  I can't use the term usually used for a male sibling.  Even hearing that word in other contexts sickens me.  I shrink and feel threat at that term, in any context.  Even "sister" is awful, in any context.  The whole concept of siblings feels dangerous to me now.  When I hear about people's great relationships with their sibling I think: Right.  That's nice.  For now.  Even inside my head there's an unspoken...Just wait...so what they will do; this, even while I know that plenty of people have great, supportive relationships with their siblings.  It's that chasm again between what the mind knows but the body believes.

The abuser is actually grossly overweight, obese I think and has a snouty, piggy face. I don't mind real pigs. I do think the name is offensive to them and I'm sorry about that.

I met a witness to someone else's trauma this year. The abuser in question was also male. Most trauma statistically comes via males by a stretch. Curiously, the witness also called that person Fuckface. The choice of name can be no coincidence. Maybe trauma causes you to put all your fear and  loathing and horror of an entity into a name. 

In other contexts I referred to him as "it", which is still my preferred approach. "Him" accords too much humanity.

I also called it the Ladon, or the Bloat. The Ladon was a multi-headed monster, who guarded the Golden Apples of the Hesperides but was eventually killed by Hercules.

Once, social services went through mum's contacts in our house, without permission.  They had said they just wanted to call someone - Pigface I think it was.

I had mum's key contacts on my phone because she couldn't remember how to make phone calls and she often didn't hear the phone or more often couldn't remember where she put it.  I had signed mum in on her phone to my Spotify via my Google signin, where I had a playlist of music she liked so we could play it for her through her phone.   We didn't have to do it through her phone. It would have been easier just to play it through my phone we could have done it through my phone we wanted to try and give her as much agency and ownership as possible and having her phone was part of that.

Pigface took away that agency when he controlled her phone, her messages, took her hearing aids, her ability to interact, her choice, her dignity, took her family, took her home, her community, her church her photos & photo albums, took away everything familiar. And her money, and her possessions. When he took away our cards to her and the photo album of the times we had spent together, as a present. 

I can only think it was Social Services opening the contacts app that triggered a Google synch  and that the link to Google could only have been via this signin to Spotify. All my contacts synched to mum's phone - thousands of them.  We didn't realise this because mum's friends were in my phone and they tended to call me because Mum didn't hear her phone - because he taken her hearing aids.  I also had mum's friends on my phone for convenience

But social services, though they didn't say anything then, later said to me about this "inappropriate" name.ñ they'd found in mum's phone. That's how we found out because we then went to look at mun's phone.  The way they said it was as though my contact entries in my own phone were not, actually, my own business but evidence that could be used against me while they completely ignored his many abuses, including gross financial abuse against mum.  

It's not even the "deny and deflect" tactic that this council is so famous for and that is such a trademark of abusive / defensive organisations.  They're not denying they caused the issue by their own inappropriate and unprofessional activity, they just go immediately on the attack. 

So Pigface would have seen all my contacts, or his social services would almost certainly have told him about how he was referred to in my phone, because everything they did was for him and what he wanted.  Not for mum and not what she wanted. 

I never spoke to him, said anything, wrote to him. I couldn't do any of those things because of the attacks and the horrific things he did to mum.  I was frozen, sometimes in a functional freeze, sometimes completely immobile.  Horror and fear does that.

I just helped mum: to get her eyes tested, her ears, take her to the podiatrist, the GP, the physiotherapist, take her to classes, to concerts, for walks, I spent almost all my time with her, sharing the photos and videos of her  with her friends.  So all he could do was invent lies.  

To receive evidence that he was in my phone with a "nasty" name would have been like finding gold for him.  And it was nothing at all to twist that, as he twisted everything and say I'd put that in mum's phone. 

I don't know what other data of mine synched to mum's phone through social services' intervention but it would have been seen by Pigface.  

That's the same as having your privacy invaded, another loss of safety., though a drop in the ocean, compared to the rest. But loving surveillance because of the control that gives he would have been like a pig in shit.

We know he controlled mum's phone when he took her for five months and because all of his behaviour was to have oversight and total sole control over everything connected to mum - decisions, money, house, surveillance cameras, everything.