The effects of trauma

Shades and headphones, Carnaby Street
(CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 - attribute: Images George Rex.)

I hadn't the faintest idea what trauma was before last year when it started happening to me and only started to understand what was happening to me early this year.  I didn't know anything about the consequences of it.  I thought this list might give an insight in to what trauma can do. 

Some of the ways my behaviour has changed and been affected since the attacks by Pigface and Social Services.

1. Trouble getting to sleep, waking up in the night, often as soon as I start to dream. Long awakenings / difficult getting back to sleep.  

2. Nightmares about PF (recent) 

3. Too afraid to spend time with mum as I would otherwise choose

4. Can't visit the care home (panic attacks because of Pigface connection).

5. Can't see mum on my own, my husband has to come with me, collect mum and bring her to the local pub where we have coffee and then she goes back.

6. Too afraid to use mum’s money to take her out 

7. (Previously too afraid to use mum’s money as dad had instructed: for rent when she was living with us, for improvements to the self-contained flat so mum could live there.  Also for first 3 months when mum was with us too afraid to pay ourselves for her food / utilities contribution although this was a tiny fraction of what Pigface spends on the care homes he put her in.

8. Too afraid to go to mum's house because of trauma memories associated with the cameras PF installed and being mocked, manipulated and abused there.

9. Too afraid to exercise POA (and in practical terms PF took all the control from the get go anyway, disempowering me in practice)

10. Constant sense of anxiety, of being hunted, walking in my city despite knowing nothing likely to happen. The closer I get to streets and shops near the council offices, the worse it is.
    
    

11. Afraid of people in cafes in my town and when people come into cafes. Now I stick mostly to one cafe where I feel safer but even there people coming and going makes it difficult.

12. Too afraid to join social / craft groups in my city, especially outside working hours

13. Now mostly avoid conversations with unknowns

14. Completely avoid eye contact and back out of conversation initiated by people in threat categories

15. Now have become mute at GP, need accompanying.  Now need hood, sunglasses, headphones in threatening situations like this & often walking in town 

16. Shut down / functional freeze: lantern group, nearby town

17. Shut down / functional freeze: singing group, my town

18. Now have difficulty opening mail

19. Now do not answer the door to unexpected calls

20. Now do not answer the phone to unknown callers.

21. Have turned off voicemail so people have to be channelled through safer routes like email.

22. Profound distrust of people in general
    
    

23. Now have profound fear of people in certain threat categories: 

- All heavy middle aged women w Scottish accents in my town

- Most women of working age with Scottish accents in my town

- People with lanyards 

- Males physically like PF

- Canadian women

- NHS Services especially Community Mental Health

- people working for the Council in general but especially in social services, or education - any social worker from anywhere 

- any other, faceless, process/ tickbox driven organisations that focus on protecting themselves not providing the service paid for.

Many other professionals, especially GPs, doctors, lawyers, police, school professionals

22 Certain other types:

• bullies, male & female

• belligerent, domineering, controlling, especially male

• ambitious 

• greed

• manipulative, mask-wearing. May be coy /simpering or earnest / persuasive or charming / professional / charismatic

• unkind / judgemental 
  
  
  The most obvious response to someone who has caused trauma in others would be straightforward victim-blaming and talking or lying about pre-existing "vulnerabilities". You make an alliance with your target, based on lies about the victim. That was always the strategy, reused in various ways. In the case of Social Services, if put on the spot they'd say something like well we we were legally obliged to do our job (investigate a complaint) - except when I complained ten times about PF, really serious allegations of financial misconduct, removing mum without notice from her home and country, and preventing me from exercising Power of Attorney - all of that was just ignored.
  
  
  It's one rule for some and one for another.